adversity shows you who your real friends are

My recent divorce has been the most challenging event I have faced in my 34 years of existence. I have never felt so shaken in every aspect of my being. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I think the hardest thing about this has been trying to find myself again. Trying to regain some sense of normalcy. It hasn't been easy at all. As a result of the disarray I have been in it has affected some of my decisions I have made in regards to the divorce and the commitments I made to my ex. I have made mistakes and I admit that. I have received a lot of support and a lot of prayers from people. I have seen some of my relationships healed in the midst of this season of my life and I wasn't expecting that. I truly am grateful. Unfortunately I have had some friends take a step back from me during this time. Their decision to do is understandable though I disagree. People will make mistakes especially when they have been rattled. In those cases unconditional support should be given to those experiencing traumatic events in their life like a divorce. I don't say this because I just so happen to be going through a divorce. I say it because someone I know went through a divorce a few years ago and I was treating them like some of my friends are treating me now. I wrote them off. I stepped back from them. I didn't offer the unconditional support I should've. I abandoned them. Until I went through my divorce I thought I was justified in how I handled that situation back then. I thought it was very black and white. I was wrong. There are gray areas and when you are in the midst of a divorce or the loss of any kind of relationship  your heart is being pulled in so many directions. I should've been supportive back then and I have learned a lesson. A hard one. It is unfortunate that those friends chose to abandon me. It's sad and pretty shocking but I'm not responsible for what other people do or how they react. I am only responsible for what I do and how I react to what others do to me. I am choosing to not be angry or spiteful and just move on.

Well I made it but I'm not out of the woods yet

June 23rd, 2012 shortly before noon marked a turning point in my life. I had just finished checking out a friend's new gym they just opened and I received a text from my wife (at the time) that said 'we need to talk'. I knew what that meant. There was no doubt in my mind what this text message was referring to. Divorce was on the horizon. I knew it. Sure enough when I got home we had a long talk and my suspicions were confirmed. That first day I was numb emotionally however I knew the inevitable series of emotional earthquakes would eventually hit me and hit me hard. It was just a matter of time. I experienced a lot of anger, sadness, hopelessness, depression, guilt, regret. It's funny how glaringly obvious your faults and mistakes become when something like divorce happens. I was mad at myself (mostly), I was mad at God even though I knew in my head that he had nothing to do with it. That it was my fault but my heart felt so differently about it. I looked at all my past mistakes and chances I had to better myself and I saw how I never made any lasting changes during those times. I saw how I remained self absorbed and assumed that there would be no repercussions. I saw my selfishness more than I ever have before and the toll it took on my marriage. I know now that looking in the past doesn't change anything but I was trying to desperately to piece things together and make sense of it all. I thought I would never love again, never get a second chance at it. That all hope was lost. People told me that I would eventually be ok and that I would have hope again. I didn't believe a word of it.

Well, it's been almost 4 months and I realize that I have made it. That I survived what I thought I couldn't. My emotions and thought process have returned to normal and I am realizing that it wasn't all my fault. That I wasn't the only one who made mistakes. I have accepted this new chapter in my life and that the old one is in the past now and nothing can be done to change it. I have also realized that time doesn't heal all wounds. That is a lie. It's what you do with the time that determines if your wounds heal or not. When the divorce happened I noticed something different about myself on the inside. Something felt broken and honestly it still feels broken. I don't feel the same and I don't know if I will ever be the same but I am excited to see how I respond to this new process. I learned that I have a ways to go but I have a lot of support that I took for granted and it took this happening for me to realize that.

So there it is. We will all lose things in our lives and will feel like when we do that we won't be able to go on. I think that's normal to feel like that but it all determines what you believe you are here for. Why you are alive and if it all really matters in the end. Of course these are questions that most of us, if not all of us, are scared to ask and think about.

I have wanted to do a blog for a long time now. However, I am also a practicing procrastinator and that has stopped me from doing this. So now I am getting into the game and doing this blog thing. My aim in doing this is was initially to find an outlet to vent or whatever so I could feel better about any particular situation.

Now I still want that but I also want others to make a connection to the things I talk about and share because I firmly believe that no matter what people believe, or how they live, or how different we say we are from each other we have more in common than we think. We all feel lonely at times, feel defeated in life, get down/depressed, go through trials that shake our foundations and throw into question everything we have ever believed about ourselves and the world we live in. This is all of us and no one should ever have to go through this life carrying these things alone. I am going to attempt to be as honest and vulnerable as I can be because I have learned that I don't know as much as I think I do and I am, to an extent, still naive and ignorant to certain realities of life.

Well this was my intro and it is my hope to contribute something to this blog over the weekend. Hope everyone is having a good day and thanks for taking the time to read this!