June 23rd, 2012 shortly before noon marked a turning point in my life. I had just finished checking out a friend's new gym they just opened and I received a text from my wife (at the time) that said 'we need to talk'. I knew what that meant. There was no doubt in my mind what this text message was referring to. Divorce was on the horizon. I knew it. Sure enough when I got home we had a long talk and my suspicions were confirmed. That first day I was numb emotionally however I knew the inevitable series of emotional earthquakes would eventually hit me and hit me hard. It was just a matter of time. I experienced a lot of anger, sadness, hopelessness, depression, guilt, regret. It's funny how glaringly obvious your faults and mistakes become when something like divorce happens. I was mad at myself (mostly), I was mad at God even though I knew in my head that he had nothing to do with it. That it was my fault but my heart felt so differently about it. I looked at all my past mistakes and chances I had to better myself and I saw how I never made any lasting changes during those times. I saw how I remained self absorbed and assumed that there would be no repercussions. I saw my selfishness more than I ever have before and the toll it took on my marriage. I know now that looking in the past doesn't change anything but I was trying to desperately to piece things together and make sense of it all. I thought I would never love again, never get a second chance at it. That all hope was lost. People told me that I would eventually be ok and that I would have hope again. I didn't believe a word of it.
Well, it's been almost 4 months and I realize that I have made it. That I survived what I thought I couldn't. My emotions and thought process have returned to normal and I am realizing that it wasn't all my fault. That I wasn't the only one who made mistakes. I have accepted this new chapter in my life and that the old one is in the past now and nothing can be done to change it. I have also realized that time doesn't heal all wounds. That is a lie. It's what you do with the time that determines if your wounds heal or not. When the divorce happened I noticed something different about myself on the inside. Something felt broken and honestly it still feels broken. I don't feel the same and I don't know if I will ever be the same but I am excited to see how I respond to this new process. I learned that I have a ways to go but I have a lot of support that I took for granted and it took this happening for me to realize that.
So there it is. We will all lose things in our lives and will feel like when we do that we won't be able to go on. I think that's normal to feel like that but it all determines what you believe you are here for. Why you are alive and if it all really matters in the end. Of course these are questions that most of us, if not all of us, are scared to ask and think about.
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