Dealing with negativity and pessimism.

Before I start let me just say that I really did have the best intentions to contributing to this blog on a more consistent basis but I obviously didn't do that. So here we are, a little over 3 and a half years since my initial entry.

I would like to address something that I am sure a lot of people experience to some degree or another. That would be negativity and pessimism. I have the tendency to be negative in regards to other people and their motives. Especially when they have wronged me. I have a pessimistic attitude about my life and potential chapters of my life. As some of you know I recently applied to a few law enforcement agencies. I was excited about it until the day I went to take the test. A voice in my head told me, "why are you going through with this? You won't make it. You have tried this 4 other times and failed each time. Why are you wasting your time?" This wasn't an isolated incident. I remember last month participating in a karaoke contest. The day of the contest I felt sick to my stomach and anxious about the contest. I almost talked myself out of going and for some of the same reasons. Telling myself that I won't win and that I would perform badly. Things like that. This type of thinking reveals itself in other areas too. When I fail to be who I should be in relationships, in my marriage, as a Christian, etc. etc. I tend to be overly critical and negative about my performance or lack thereof. I become extremely angry towards myself. Often when this is happening I tend to make it 'about me'. For instance someone could approach me and share a frustration that they have with me or something I do. At some point I will offer an apology, in passing, just so I can go on and talk about how hard it is for me to change, or how bad I feel about it. I will make the situation about me rather than address how my behavior has affected the other party. The emphasis is on me, rather than them.

So where did this all start? I was telling someone earlier today about how I believe that somewhere down the line as a child that I adopted a false view of myself. I didn't really have close friends as a kid. I felt sad or dissatisfied with certain things in my life that I am sure were probably pretty normal for every kid but the problem was I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. I could have always talked to my parents about these things but I felt embarrassed, shameful, and silly for thinking and feeling these things and even more so just entertaining the thought of talking with someone about them. So I did the worst thing I could do and that was keep it all inside. Because I chose to keep these things to myself I never had anyone to challenge me on these things. No one to correct me and help me to see things objectively. Well, I had people there to listen I just shut them out I guess.

So where do I go from here? I honestly don't know. Even as I type this I am fighting the negative thinking and emotions, and even some anger. I do know that I can start doing what I didn't do back then and that is talk about it. I can be honest about it. I can let people in to see this ugly part of myself that I know to be wrong. I can take steps to correct it so that in another 20 years I am not looking back on the me that is writing this and wishing I would've acted and taken some steps to right this imbalance. I just wanted to get it out there and I don't know, maybe some of you will relate to this and maybe it will help you to see that you aren't alone. A lot of times I feel like I am alone in this even though I know I am not. You also are not alone. Maybe you have done the things I did and put a wall up and you know what? You have paid for it, just like I have. Shame does funny things to people and it has definitely blinded me to the truth. But it's not too late to change. It's never too late to change. It may be more difficult to do so but it's never too late.